To begin with.

I am old. My age might be that of a middle aged person; however, I feel ancient. I wake up and I hurt... I almost want to go back to sleep once I have gotten up and try to walk. This could be an indication that I am in a perpetual state of depression. I am honestly not sure. I haven't felt much emotion since I was a much younger person. I am standing outside my life just watching it happen to me for the most part. There are a few people that can cause me to break out of this periodically(My kids.) Writing this blog seems like a desperate attempt to sort through these thoughts. There are so many goals that are rattling within this shattered mirror of a brain. So many fears that are smearing themselves on the fragments preventing me from making sense of them. It would be difficult putting them together to begin with but I add in the fear of success and it makes it worse. Always at the edge of cliff that people will find out who I really am and I almost feel an anxiety about it and then it just makes me sleepy again. Not sure why I swing back and forth between the state of not giving a fuck and the state of caring what people think of me. Supposing all of my internal strife is what I think it is I guess it would just be that I hate myself so much I can't fully enjoy anything. I always feel like there is a time limit on my happiness. Even when married I couldn't lose myself in the child like wonder that causes you to lose yourself in anything. When I was younger these were the moments that recharged me the most. Now days everything feels like some shit is going to happen that will ruin the moment while I am in the middle of it. Is this why people start getting into drugs to begin with? Is it to forget the time limit that has been imposed upon them? I can easily see why people would end up giving in to these things then and why I can never actually try them even if they were to become legal. I would totally lose myself in them if they took away the time constraint in my mind. I hate being confined.