Work Stuffs

So today starts an endeavor which I haven't done since I left my last job. I am working on a report and I actually get to use whatever language or technology that I want well aside from the basic sql queries. I am pretty happy this should be a relatively easy project for me to work on. And I love the feeling I get from actually having a goal while I code a bit. Even if it is something that should be really fast but there is nothing quite like the feeling of turning an 1-2 hours involved long process into something that could potentially be a 5 minute click run and forget about it process. Fatherly duties are going well... I am really looking forward to seeing how the kids like their swing set. My other interests are sort of all over the place I still don't feel very focused on anything though I am working on that. Starting to read the complete works of Oscar Wilde. I am very excited about that. Also going to start working on the CCNA again when my brain starts function. Another wake up call seeing how the older people in the industry are treated sort of like financial pariahs due to them hitting the cap on their pay. I might start working on Feral again. As a side project more so than anything else.

To begin with.

I am old. My age might be that of a middle aged person; however, I feel ancient. I wake up and I hurt... I almost want to go back to sleep once I have gotten up and try to walk. This could be an indication that I am in a perpetual state of depression. I am honestly not sure. I haven't felt much emotion since I was a much younger person. I am standing outside my life just watching it happen to me for the most part. There are a few people that can cause me to break out of this periodically(My kids.) Writing this blog seems like a desperate attempt to sort through these thoughts. There are so many goals that are rattling within this shattered mirror of a brain. So many fears that are smearing themselves on the fragments preventing me from making sense of them. It would be difficult putting them together to begin with but I add in the fear of success and it makes it worse. Always at the edge of cliff that people will find out who I really am and I almost feel an anxiety about it and then it just makes me sleepy again. Not sure why I swing back and forth between the state of not giving a fuck and the state of caring what people think of me. Supposing all of my internal strife is what I think it is I guess it would just be that I hate myself so much I can't fully enjoy anything. I always feel like there is a time limit on my happiness. Even when married I couldn't lose myself in the child like wonder that causes you to lose yourself in anything. When I was younger these were the moments that recharged me the most. Now days everything feels like some shit is going to happen that will ruin the moment while I am in the middle of it. Is this why people start getting into drugs to begin with? Is it to forget the time limit that has been imposed upon them? I can easily see why people would end up giving in to these things then and why I can never actually try them even if they were to become legal. I would totally lose myself in them if they took away the time constraint in my mind. I hate being confined.